Tony Robbins described six basic human needs. Prior to my discovery of this list, I would often refer to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I still do. Most of my adult life I have struggled to rise beyond the second level of Maslow's pyramid (first level being physiological needs, second being safety and shelter). I've made it to the third level at various times in my life (love, affection, belonging and being part of a group), but it was never a simple process. I never felt like I achieved anything in the fourth layer (self-esteem), and I certainly never felt a sense of self-actualization (the fifth and highest layer).
When I was a minister I believed I had a cosmic purpose. I believed my work had everlasting effects and the choices I made had eternal ramifications. I've written about this before. When I stepped away from ministry - and especially when my doubts and questions about my faith reached their zenith - I lost that sense of a grand celestial significance to my life. Christian apologetics told me that, apart from God, life was worthless. That was one of the arguments for God: an attempt to convince non-believers that everything is pointless and meaningless and worthless apart from God. I have Christian friends who still use that argument. Being in a state of confusion and uncertainty meant I was incapable of achieving anything higher than the third level on Maslow's pyramid. And even the third level came with struggles, given that, prior to my exodus from faith, almost all of my social connections, my personal context, was entrenched deeply inside the Christian bubble.
I have spent my entire adult life searching for meaning. I have moved beyond the need for cosmic significance the way a recovering addict moves beyond her psychological and chemical dependency: it's never fully gone, but well under control. I haven't smoked for over three years, and I'm currently in the best physical shape of my life, but every once in a while... I feel like having a smoke. I don't, because I have complete control over it; but, like I said, it's never fully gone. Likewise, I sometimes miss that feeling of divine calling, and the feeling of community associated with the perception that everyone around you is drowning except you and your small band of companions who have found refuge on the only lifeboat. Elitism and an entitlement attitude are often linked to such a worldview - which is even more heinous if the worldview isn't correct, because then it's not only arrogance, but also delusions of grandeur - but, still, it's community, a feeling of family. "We accept her, one of us!" We long for those open arms, and friendships and bonds based on commonality, even if the common ground isn't pleasing or normal. In fact, many people bond more readily with others who share in their misery than in their joy. Sometimes this is because we want someone to understand our pain. Sometimes we find comfort from our pain in those who understand that pain existentially.
In Christianity, the bond is based on both misery and joy. Joy insofar as they hold to the belief that those who are in the community of believers - the body of Christ - are (or will be) saved. Misery insofar as they believe they are worthless sinners redeemed and made right only by the work of Christ on the cross, the grace of God and his forgiveness of sin. Misery also in a socio-political sense: I heard time and again how Christians are "persecuted," and how hard it is to be a Christian in our world today. So they bond over their shared sense of misery.
It wasn't until after I left the Christian bubble that I realized how incredibly easy being a Christian is - at least here in the States. Separated from the skewed perspective of the conservative right, I saw that such things as the "War on Christmas" and the "anti-Christian media bias" were at best exaggerations, and mostly fabrications. Seems our need for community lends itself to such self-deception.
Lately, I have been in a transitional stage of my life: a new perspective, a new view of myself, a new lifestyle, and a more optimistic appraisal of where I'm headed in my life. I am in the gym six days a week. I've lost 30 pounds so far. Physically, I feel better than I ever have in my life. I rediscovered goals and dreams. It took me years. I had to recover from the loss of cosmic purpose. I had to bounce back from two failed marriages. I had to somehow cope with not being able to see my children. I've mourned the loss of three of the closest people in my life. I've had to learn how to achieve balance in the face of my Demon. Mentally, I feel better than I ever have in my life. I'm old enough now to begin to appreciate the fact that life is short, and every moment is precious. My life has meaning because I value it. I like my life, and I want to live it fully. And I want someone to share that life with.
I'm certainly not even close to having life figured out yet, but life is good. Not perfect. Not even great. But good, and slowly and steadily improving. It's not that "life" is improving. I have been improving. Life isn't this thing that just happens around us; it's mostly how we react to what happens around us. Who I am as a person has been improving. My reaction to what happens around me is improving. I had to spend many years in the valley to understand that I can reach the mountain's peak if I set my mind to it and have confidence in myself. My first wife called me a monster, and for years I believed her. I actually believed her. I believed as she did that my children were better off without me. Now I know better.
I have goals, dreams, ambitions, desires. There are a lot of miles on the odometer, and sometimes it shows, but I am far from done with this journey. I feel like I've just begun. I have hope. This brings me (finally) to Tony Robbins' list of basic human needs. According to Robbins, each human needs the following things in life: certainty, uncertainty, significance, connection, growth, and contribution. Robbins refers to these six needs as why we do what we do. Why do I get all these tattoos? Why do I blog? Why am I a martial arts instructor? Why do I have a beard? Why do I hit the gym six days a week and stay focused on a healthy diet? Why do I spend hours talking to people who are so special to me?
1. Certainty: the need to feel safe, the need for a level of predictability, be able to maintain adequate shelter, know that you have enough to provide for you and your family, and feel comfortable in a relationship. A sense of comfort, security, protection, predictability, and stability.
2. Uncertainty: the need for stimulus and change. Variety. If all we had was certainty - predictability - we'd lose our minds out of boredom. We all need to experience varying degrees of sensory stimulation along with emotional and physical challenges. This is why people like horror movies. This is why people go skydiving. We need to try new things, shake up the status quo a bit.
3. Significance: the need to feel important, wanted, needed, special. We like being thought about. We also like accomplishing things. We need a sense of pride, victory, value, meaning. We want to think our lives mean something, that we're not expendable or easy to discard. We like to be distinct, different.
4. Connection: the need to bond with other people, and the desire to love and be loved. We are relational creatures. No one is an island. We need togetherness, passion, unity, warmth, tenderness and desire.
According to Robbins, everyone finds a way (whether in a healthy way or not) to meet these first four needs. Not everyone finds a way to meet these last two needs...
5. Growth: the need to constantly develop emotionally, intellectually, physically and spiritually. Humans are never stagnant. We're either moving forward, or falling behind. We need to become more today than we were yesterday.
6. Contribution: the need to go beyond the narrow scope of our own needs and give freely to others without expectation of reward or compensation. Life is incomplete without it. We need to contribute beyond ourselves.
I'm finally moving into Maslow's fourth level: the level of personal esteem. I feel good about myself. I'm not perfect. I'm as fucked up as anyone. But that's okay. And I'm venturing further into the potential for self-actualization. I am growing, and working toward becoming someone who can contribute to the well-being of others.
Of course, the future is an unknown. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. But we don't have tomorrow. All we have is now. And in this now, at this point of my journey, I have moved beyond a mere absence of faith, and to a life of meaning.
Journey of One: Self-Actualization
Journey of One: Self-Actualization
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