The admonition, "teach men not to rape," most often said in contrast to the common mentality that we should "teach women how to not get raped," has caused me to do a lot of thinking on the whole matter. My job is self-protection. That's what I do for a living. I teach people how to defend themselves against attackers. I teach children and adults, men and women alike. The hypothetical bad guy in any given lesson is always a man, but an attacker can be a man or a woman, depending on the context. But at the academy, we stress the importance of personal development: physically, mentally, and socially. With the kids, I talk about using our "Mind Karate" first, and our "Body Karate" only if we have no other choice, and only after our Mind Karate fails to prevent an attack.
"Body Karate" is way more fun to say, but "Mind Karate" - as Sensei Bud calls it - is the first line of defense. Mind Karate is all about the fundamental principles of martial arts training: developing focus and awareness; instilling respect for oneself and for others; exercising self-discipline; improving one's health and fitness; perpetually growing in one's knowledge and education. Body Karate is in many respects a side effect of Mind Karate. My martial arts techniques are only as good as my martial arts training, and my training is only as good as the level of personal investment I place in my training.
"Teach men not to rape." This isn't referring to men jumping out of dark alleys, grabbing women randomly off the street and raping them. Most sexual assault occurs among people who already know each other. "Teach men not to rape" also doesn't imply that all men are rapists, or that only men are rapists - or that only women get raped. It has to do with a pervading attitude in our society: whether implicitly or otherwise, we teach boys that being a "real man" means having power over others. A lot of guys fight for this power by resorting to the common middle school tactics of belittling each other. Or they try to best each other at sports. Make no mistake: I'm competitive by nature. Competition can be healthy, if it's seasoned with humility. When I succeed I smile; when I lose I learn. We can't always win, but we can always react with dignity.
We teach boys that you're not a real man if you're not "gettin' some." Virginity is a bad thing these days. To all my "True Love Waits" peeps out there: I'm not saying virginity is a great thing, either. One's sex life is one's own business. Virginity or the lack thereof is neither good nor bad. It depends on the person. Have sex when you think it's right for you to do it, when you have a willing partner who also thinks it's right. If you don't want sex, don't have sex. Here's where "teach men not to rape" becomes especially relevant: consent. When we teach boys that power is the top priority, and you gotta get laid to be a man, sometimes "no" simply isn't an acceptable answer. Pressure becomes coercion. Coercion becomes aggression. Aggression becomes assault.
I don't care what Robin Thicke says. If a woman says "no," there are no "blurred lines." The line is pretty damn clear. It's not your job to convince her otherwise.
Men in general need more lessons in "Mind Karate." They haven't learned respect - at least not for women. We still tell jokes about rape and how women belong in the kitchen. We have failed to teach men that lack of a "no" isn't an automatic "yes." If a woman is intoxicated, it's not a free-for-all. Everything is a no until she says yes. And that's it. We haven't taught our men yet that women shouldn't be judged based on whether they put out or don't put out. Women who have sex are "sluts." Women who don't are "prudes." Women who won't give it up to you have put you in the "friendzone." Because whether she'll have sex with you is the most important aspect of her as a human being, right?
We live in a culture in which women are still fighting just to be treated with the equality, dignity, and respect that (white, heterosexual) men have taken for granted for generations. Men are, in general, larger and stronger than women. In general. There are exceptions to this, of course. This isn't saying women are weak. I've met women I wouldn't want to fight. All I'm saying is that most women do not have the size and strength of a man - on average. Men have been imposing their power - politically, socially, and physically - on women for a long, long time. They've done it physically, such that many women fear going certain places (or going certain places alone) out of concern that someone will try to do something to them. Sexual harrassment has occurred - and still occurs - in places of employment. Women continue to struggle for the same rights men have had since forever while being forced to contend with the imposing of male will upon them. Women often can't even walk down the street without a complete stranger calling out to them. "Hey baby, where ya going?"
Men have been taught that women are weak. Not merely "physically weaker on average," but weak. There's a huge difference there. When I go to the gym, there are some big dudes there. One could say that, strength-wise, I am weaker than those muscle-bound powerlifters. But I'm not weak. If we get into a fight, I don't have to be as strong as you to hand you a beating. Size and strength are tools, but they aren't the only tools. Even well-meaning guys have, in my opinion, gone down the wrong path concerning how they look at women. Chivalry, they call it. "I would never hit a woman," they say. Look, I'd never hit a woman. But here's the thing: I wouldn't hit a man, either. Not unless I felt my life were in danger or my physical safety were at risk. If I felt physically threatened by a woman, I'd punch her right in the face - because I believe in equality. I don't see women as weak. There are weak individuals, both men and women. I don't see weakness inherent to a gender, or as intrinsic to the ownership of certain genitalia.
Chris Brown isn't a waste of flesh because he hit a woman per se, but because he imposed his will violently against another person. What makes it worse is that this person belongs to a group of people who have been historically mistreated by those who have imposed their will upon them.
But men in general still see women as weak. With that comes the idea that women are lesser than men. "Teach men not to rape" implies teaching men that women are equal. Calling someone a "girl" as an insult - implying that the person is weak or frail - indicates that one thinks women are lesser than men.
One evening at the academy I was teaching the kids how to throw a hook kick. I explained to them that it can be dangerous if done right, and told them about the time that, when I was 16, I received a concussion in my karate class during sparring from a girl who hit me in the head with a hook kick. She faked a front kick to the body to get me to lower my guard, then swung the leg up and caught me right in the temple with her heel. I woke up on the floor.
A couple students laughed. “Sensei, you got beat up by a girl?”
“Why is that funny?” I asked, smiling. “Do you think girls are weak?”
“Um… No…” they replied.
“Good,” I said. “You shouldn’t.”
Men have imposed their wills, women have been viewed as weak. What's more, we live in a society that gives way too much power to the attacker, and very little power to the victim. Many times, the victim is blamed, and the victim gets shamed. When people are afraid of telling someone else about the incident, then there is a systemic problem with our society. "Teach men not to rape" implies fixing the problem. Rape should be as anathema as pedophilia or barbecuing and eating your grandmother. I told you at the beginning that my job is self-protection. I teach martial arts and self-defense for a living. As such, I am a strong advocate of being able to defend oneself. I am not an advocate of telling women how to not get raped. We have done "Women's Self-Defense Seminars" at the academy. What do we teach them? The same stuff we teach everyone.
There are no guarantees in self-defense. Doesn't matter how long you've been training, or how good you are. Anything can happen when things turn to chaos. That's why I tell my students that Mind Karate is way better. If you can use your mind to avoid bad situations, and your voice to deter conflict, that's much better than having to resort to Body Karate to defend yourself. If I get assaulted tonight and left bloody and broken in an alley somewhere, is that my fault? Should I have defended myself better? Am I to blame? No. The attacker is to blame. It's not the victim's fault.
There are things we can do to help reduce the risk of attack, yes. There are precautions we can take, and should take if we're smart. There will always be bad people out there, and it's nice to think that I can have some confidence walking to my car at night. It's nice to think that I'm not completely helpless against a threat. But I am not responsible for the heart and mind of another person. If someone attacks me, it's not my fault for being attacked. If I somehow fail to defend myself, it's not a flaw in my character or a defect in my personality. The victim is not to blame.
Like I said, there will always be bad people out there. We can't eliminate all violence and assault. We can't erase rape forever. But we can reduce it significantly if we work to change our society's mindset and attitude about it.
Teach Men Not To Rape
Teach Men Not To Rape
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