My blog is a constant attempt to say "I don't know" in the most intelligent and clever ways possible. I'm sure opinions vary on whether I have ever accomplished that. I spent a good portion of my life assuming / pretending / convincing myself that I knew "enough" about god, "the meaning of life" and my divine eternity-bound purpose on earth. When I finally admitted to myself that I was without knowledge (a-gnosis or agnostic) concerning any kinds of god or gods, I felt lost. Imagine that you think you know exactly where you're going only to find that you don't even know where you are, much less where you need to go. It was a long, hard fall that ended with my forceful collision with reality.
Splat. Yes, that's the sound my psyche made at the moment of impact. Or maybe it was more like Crunch, Squish after the weight of reality crushed me like a boot crushing an insect inside its own exoskeleton. Okay, I just wanted to use the word exoskeleton in a sentence. Nevertheless, I felt the force of this paradigmatic shift hit me right in my Weltanschauung (Yes, it's a word. No, it's not slang for penis. Go look it up).
God was my source of meaning, my source of purpose, my source of hope and my guarantee that the future would be good (even if I had to experience that good future posthumously). When I could no longer claim with a clear conscience that I believed in god, I lost the one thing - the only thing - I ever relied on to justify the meaningfulness of my existence. I considered just how enormous the universe is, and just how tiny we are (because apparently size does matter), and concluded that we must be meaningless creatures living out meaningless lives on this meaningless planet. Apparently we need some sort of giant overbeing to tell us we're okay for us to have any meaning. And I suppose he has to be super-huge, like bigger than our solar system at least. I don't think people would feel the same way if this uber-guy was only as big as, say, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man or Apache Chief.
"I don't think you're useless, Aquaman."
And Christians call this "intrinsic value." Really? My meaning, my significance, my value and worth are all determined by whether some super-mega-huge guy-in-the-sky thinks I'm a cool cat? That kind of value isn't intrinsic at all, but entirely subjective. What if we are, in comparison with the rest of the universe, meaningless? What if our existence is inconsequential in light of the vastness of space, and if our infinitesimal fire ever goes out, the rest of the universe will continue on without even noticing?
So what?
I value my life because it's my life, and as long as I exist I will value it. Think about it: if I no longer exist after I die, then I won't care about whether or not I exist, because I won't exist to be able to care. I only care that I exist because I exist to care that I exist. I can't care about my existence if there's no "I" to do the caring. I exist, and I care that I exist, and I care about the quality of my existence. Why? Why even ask such a question unless there's an ulterior motive behind the asking? I care about the quality of my life because I'm living it, and I want to be happy. I want others to be happy because, if other people are happy (generally speaking), then that adds to my happiness as well. Do we need god in order to have meaningful lives? What if god exists, but he fucking hates you? Or what if this god decides to cast you into the fires of hell that he made specially for you for breaking his made up rules? Would you say god's existence gives your life meaning or "intrinsic value" then? See folks, it's all subjective. Value is contingent upon a valuer. I can put an old baseball card on eBay and say it's worth $1000, but if no one in the world is willing to pay that much money for the card, how much is it really worth?
The Christians who say things like, "if god didn't exist I'd probably go on a killing spree," are either mentally ill or full of shit - mostly it's the latter, and usually as an attempt to employ hyperbole for the sake of dramatic effect. They care about their lives just as much as everyone else, regardless of whatever reason they came up with for justifying why they care about it. Look, all I'm saying is, keep it real. Too many people act like they know when they don't. Too many people talk like they've got the answers when they haven't even figured out the right questions to ask.
What is the meaning of life? You tell me. No, really, you tell me. It's up to you.
— Dead-Logic
