This is part three of the Q&A series based on my interview with Thomas Prosser. After I wrote this, I decided not to post it at first because much of it has already been said on my blog. As you can see, I have since changed my mind and decided to post it. It is part of the series, after all, and I still think it's worth reading. Read part one here: Fear of Hell, and part two here: Prayer and an Omniscient God.
Part Three: Doubt and Ministry
What was the role of doubt in your de-conversion experience?
When I first wrestled with doubt, my initial response was to think something was wrong with me. I must be bad. However, I spoke with my youth minister, and he told me doubts were okay. So, I went through my teens and through college thinking that asking questions was healthy and natural. But I encountered many who didn’t want to hear any questioning. I wrestled with doubts in Bible college, and, in a moment of confusion and angst, I spoke to one of my professors. He smiled and said it was okay to doubt. In retrospect I think it really was okay to doubt, but only as long as you believe what you are "supposed to" believe when it's all said and done.
When I finally said I was no longer a Christian, I saw the reality of this. Some people were kind and they showed me grace, but there were others who were dismissive, or said my choice was a cop out, or that I just wanted to fulfill my own desires instead of god’s desire. Again, it's okay to doubt as long as you eventually "overcome" your doubts and believe in Christianity. If you change your mind, well, now you're something different - and no longer in the fold. This is because Christians see doubt as an obstacle or, to put it in more churchy language, a "stumbling block." Ironically, I can't help but agree with them now. Doubt is a hindrance to faith. Doubt makes us question and seek truth. Faith has a hard time surviving when a person really starts asking questions.
Many thought I didn’t believe because I was "suppressing the truth" and I wanted to be naughty and wicked. What's worse, many treated me like I was less than human, simply because I told the truth about my thoughts on god.
After I got over the misconception that it's bad to doubt, I realized that doubt is natural. Doubt in my early 20s was something of a personal thing to me. I only shared it with a few people. I was married at the time to a very Christian woman. I couldn’t share my doubt with her. That was very hurtful and frustrating, because I wanted very badly to be able to talk to my wife. I needed her to console me and encourage me. I needed her to tell me she'd love me for who I am, regardless of my thoughts or opinions on god and religion. Instead, she didn’t want to hear my doubts or anything that might shake her own faith. I had to lock away doubt, and I couldn’t explore it.
My cognitive dissonance in my early 20s was my convincing myself to continue to believe, along with my continuing to proclaim and teach Christian doctrine. I had unresolved questions that I had locked away mostly because there weren’t many people I could talk to. I was a Bible college graduate. I was ordained. I was in ministry. I was a Christian husband and father, and I was put on a pedestal by most people who knew me. I put on my Christian mask, hid my doubts and got on with my life. The person I was inside was totally different than the person I presented myself as to the public.
Why did you resign from your position as a minister?
Leaving the ministry was the first step in leaving the faith entirely. It wasn’t an easy decision, even though I became increasingly more unhappy the longer I stayed in ministry. I was in the pulpit and I’d preach from a text saying stuff to people who were seeking god’s wisdom, and I wasn’t even sure I believed in what I was saying. They looked at me in a certain way - holding me in that special esteem reserved for "men of the cloth" - and I'd shake their hands and smile, but it wasn't real. None of it was real. I became the master thespian. Their perception of me wasn’t who I was at all. I couldn’t live with that mask any more. I longed for reality, for genuinity, for honesty. I wanted a different job.
The more experience in ministry that I had, the more I felt like a politician. I had to satisfy constituents and draw new people in. There was no way I could tell people on Sunday what I really thought. Sure, I'd stand in the pulpit and tell them I was a man and I struggled with the same temptations and sins as anyone else. I told them I sometimes wrestled with questions and doubt. They were fine hearing that, but they heard it as, "oh, the nice young minister's trying to be humble." They heard my words, but never really took me seriously.
I got out of ministry because I didn’t want to be fake and wear the mask any more. But the problem was my degree in theology and all my experience in ministry. How could I restart my life? After I left the ministry I did part-time youth ministry as a second job (actually, more like a third or fourth job) for a while because I had to pay the bills. I was doing this and working in a bank and working other jobs so I could support my family and pay the mortgage.
Eventually I quit the ministry because I just couldn’t do it anymore. But I had no training for anything else and I didn’t know what to do. At this time I also had difficulties with my marriage. Our religious differences played a large part in this.
After I left ministry, my doubts became stronger. I felt a little more free now as I didn’t have to maintain a certain position. I really wanted to find answers to the questions that I had. But as this happened, things became more tense between my wife and I. We didn’t see eye to eye, and grew more distant. After seven years of marriage, we separated in 2004. For the next four years or so I had hardships and obstacles to deal with so a lot of my doubts took a back seat. I wasn't high enough on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to worry about philosophical or theological matters. In the last year or so I’ve been able to think more carefully about things. There was a lot I had to think about.
So for a while I didn’t think about my doubts because I had other things to worry about, but as my life once again became more stable and I started to gain good forward momentum I was able to address these issues once again. I started blogging because I wanted to get back to business. I still had these unresolved questions and now I had a chance to really express myself.
[For more, read my Journey to Atheism.]
Dead-Logic.com
