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The martial arts class I attended Tuesday night marks the first time in 15 years I've stepped foot in a dojo to train. Sweet mother of Cap'n Crunch, that makes me sound old. I began studying karate when I was 10. By the time I was 18 I had earned a black belt, and my Sensei considered me one of the "gifted students." I had aspirations of traveling overseas to fight on our karate team after graduation, but I opted for college (for reasons which aren't relevant here). I continued training on my own in college, but soon life got in the way, and with it jobs and bills and a wife and children, and my martial arts training fell by the wayside. But my love for the arts never left me, and I always meant to return to it. Now I have my chance, and naturally I can't help but get reflective and write about it.
I don't get involved with anything unless I intend to do my best. When I set my mind to something, I mean to excel at it. My decision to return to regular martial arts training is no different. For me to do this, I have to set aside my ego and humble myself.
The instructor is a very close friend of mine. In many ways I consider him a peer. He's also more than a decade younger than me (there I go, sounding old again). For me to excel in my friend's class, I must become the student, submitting myself to my friend's tutelage. I must forget about my ego, and forget about the black belt I earned almost 20 years ago. I must possess a mind that's open and eager to learn. If I walk into my friend's dojo and fail to show him the proper respect because "he's my friend," then I will fail. If I walk in there with an "I already earned a black belt" attitude, then I won't learn, I won't grow, I won't better myself.
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I mean, it's been 15 years since I trained seriously. Some of the fundamentals you never forget, but the body isn't what it used to be. And I'm learning an entirely different style - different both technically and ideologically - so I need to, as Yoda said, "unlearn what I have learned." So, as I said, I humbly submit myself to my friend's Sensei's instruction.
Becoming the student isn't easy for me: after all, I'm used to being the teacher. Not only was I in a position where I was assisting my Sensei in class (I had aspirations of teaching karate myself one day), don't forget that I spent eight years in Christian ministry. I'm familiar with being in a position of authority.
[Brilliant segue beginning in 3... 2... 1...]
My coming to terms with my agnosticism, which lead to my exodus from Christian ministry, religion, and eventually theistic faith altogether, required the same humility necessary for me to excel in the martial arts. [I'm such a good writer. Now what was I talking about? Oh yes, humility.] As much as I wanted to believe, as much as I wanted to continue to play the role of minister, leader, teacher, and online Christian apologist, and as much as I wanted to continue telling myself that I had figured out all the big questions of life, the universe, and everything - I had to admit I had no good reasons for my beliefs, and I lacked knowledge (a - gnosis) concerning whether any of my religious beliefs were true.
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For me to grow, to learn, to overcome my ideological bias reinforced by years of religious indoctrination (otherwise known as "youth group" in the Christian Bubble), I had to humble myself. I had to admit to myself (and eventually the world) that I don't know. The bitter irony of Christian theism is that humility is considered to be one of the "Christian virtues," but in reality, the confidence and conviction a person of faith has is arrogance. Think about it: when I was a Christian, I did what most Christians do. I claimed to understand - and "have a personal relationship with" - the logos of the universe. I attempted to justify my faith via Christian apologetics, which was little more than my attempt to find only that which made my beliefs appear true. The struggle between my genuine desire to understand truth and my pride which made me refuse to admit that I could be wrong lasted for years.
Eventually I overcame my pride, put aside my assumptions and the arrogance with which I adhered to these assumptions, and accepted my agnosticism. I consider this a huge step for me, because I know I have a huge ego. My goal, whether concerning martial arts or the universe itself, is to continue to humble myself, to learn as much as I can.
Dead-Logic.com
