Those of you who read this blog at least semi-regularly know that I've been going through some tough times. My wife left me. I have experienced all the stages of grief several times over. I wrote a few blog entries about it in an attempt to cope with what was happening. I have since deleted all those blog entries. I have reached a point of acceptance, and to be quite honest, with everything my soon-to-be ex-wife has said and done, I am glad to be done with her. She's out of my life, and I'm better for it.
That said, I have nothing to say about my future ex-wife. I am moving forward. This moment of my life will only make me stronger. I carry with me the baggage of a life filled with difficulties and road blocks. I have survived and come out ahead in life every time because of a little determination, a little patience, a little strength, and mostly a lot of grace and love from family and friends, without whom I wouldn't be here today. I owe it to them to make the most of my life. Their charity is not in vain.
I have for years carried both emotional and physical pain, and bear the scars of a survivor. I'm not yet where I want to be, but I am proud of where I am now considering where I have been. My life has forward momentum, and anyone who can't see that isn't looking close enough.
I am a "free man" once again, although I wouldn't necessarily call it "freedom," since I don't feel liberated from a bondage in which I felt enslaved. I prefer to think of myself as a "solitary man." I must once again focus on myself alone, continuing forward, building more momentum.
[Fight Club]
This is a blank slate - a tabula rasa moment in my life - in which I can choose to go in several different directions. I have no commitments tying me down to one location, and I like that. I have a job, of course, but I can get an equivalent job just about anywhere. What should I do now? I think the place to start is by making a list of goals/desires/aspirations. This is a list of things I want to do (this list is in no particular order, and it is by no means an exhaustive list, but it's good enough for now):
1. Take a vacation to Bora Bora.
2. Own a black Ford Mustang.
3. Get more tattoos (I'm thinking of getting "Leviticus 19:28" tattooed on me somewhere).
4. Go with friends to Amsterdam.
5. Write a book.
6. Go into the world and do noble things for the good of all.
7. Buy a giant lobster suit.
8. Travel to places I haven't been (other than Bora Bora or Amsterdam).
9. Run a marathon.
10. Go see more plays.
11. Keep blogging.
12. Run more marathons.
13. Exercise regularly.
25. Learn how numbers work.
15. Get a master's degree.
16. Learn a second language.
17. Build up my savings account.
18. Finish my list of "books I need to read but haven't read yet so they're on this list." I've never read Pride and Prejudice. One day I will.
19. Get myself to the place where I can show others the kind of grace and support that my family and friends have shown me in times of need.
Short of getting hit by that proverbial bus, I will do all the things on this list. Because I rock. I didn't put a #20 on this list, because #20 would have been "stop smoking," and I am happy to say that today marks four weeks since my last cigarette. I am, and will remain, a non-smoker. Now to conquer the remaining 19 things on my list (along with whatever else I add to this list later).
Dead-Logic.com
Melinda was mine 'til the time that I found her
Holdin' Jim
And lovin' him
Then Sue came along, loved me strong, that's what I thought
But me and Sue,
That died, too.
Don't know that I will but until I can find me
A girl who'll stay and won't play games behind me
I'll be what I am
A solitary man
A solitary man
I've had it to here - being where love's a small word
A part time thing
A paper ring
I know it's been done havin' one girl who loves you
Right or wrong
Weak or strong
Don't know that I will but until I can find me
A girl who'll stay and won't play games behind me
I'll be what I am
A solitary man
A solitary man
